Patterns

Life is all about patterns.  Things will repeat themselves if you let them.  It’s odd, because I feel as though I’ve been in pattern overload since I was about 20.  Environments change, but my brain stays the same.  I’m not sure why that is.

I’ve had my moments.  I step outside myself, lose the self-serving bullshit, and take a genuine interest in interacting with people.  But then another part of me, the part that’s obviously plagued by the past, tries its best to undermine me.

People tell me that I have a hyperactive sense of intuition.  As a kid I remember everything around me created these deeply powerful, emotional reactions.  I’m a servant to meta-cognition, deconstructing my thought patterns, analyzing not just events, or even the context of my life, but the way in which thoughts filter through my brain.

I look around me and this is the life I’ve dreamed of.  I have no responsibility outside of kicking ass at school, and yet, I’m perpetually dissatisfied.  Because I don’t have the right girlfriend, I don’t think I play guitar well enough, I’m not making enough money.  Whatever.

I made a promise to myself, weeks ago, that after I get over all this physical BS I’m going to focus on retrofitting my mental BS.  Japan will be the catalyst for so much good in my life.

I need an earth-shattering paradigm shift like this to fuck my world up.